Notes from My Cell, April 6

I wonder what I’ll be like when I get out of here. A month without real church, a month of deep muscle aches and no relief, a month of obeying orders. I do try to dignify certain moments, such as looking the guards and male prisoners in the eye when I am receiving a meal or giving the tray back, and saying thank you, rather than complaining about what we’re served.
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I wear my pencil down too quickly when writing and have ordered more, since I can’t get up to sharpen them in the dayroom at night. It can also be frustrating only being able to switch between lockdown (cell) and dayroom (group) only every four hours during the day.
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Life happens here so early. I’m up around 5, which is unheard of; we’re done with breakfast @ 6:30 and dayroom and floors are cleaned and showers and then we wait around an hour or two before cell inspection. Lunch at 11 & dinner @ 4, you could almost go to bed by 6pm. The days feel very long this way.
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I am afraid to be cut off even this long. I could email from Iran & reach everyone, even check my bank account and bills. Hopefully, all will be settled just fine. I know I won’t be forgotten, it’s just anxiety. The next letter, the loss of a visit due to the schedule, and the inability to get stamps for this first week are all taking on too much importance.
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I’ve been told prison is easier than here by some of the women who’ve been to both. Prison actually offers more freedom, they said, and the chance to go outside, the chance to work. Also they said the food is better, and you get more, and there’s coffee. I do miss coffee. We get a cup of lukewarm instant in the morning. They said commissary is also better – you can get more useful things. One lady has been to most of the prisons around for DUI. She has three kids, grown, and is the nicest “mom” you can imagine. So sweet, I feel sad for her.
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I had really not anticipated the degree of physical pain and discomfort. After four days only of cold, small steel bench or cold, steel bed with a thin mattress, not much eases the muscle and joint pain. Not even yoga, not even walking. I probably wake up to muscle cramps as often as to night checks. I hope I adapt soon. I’ll get a few Tylenol through commissary and hope it might help, too. Otherwise, I just try to keep moving.