A Still Soft Something

It's been a strange summer already. Today, deep in contemplation on the Red Line, I ended up five stations past my stop. Something else was gripping me so strongly I never even noticed the train slow down.

I've been thinking alot lately about what I need as a person to be able to accomplish the things I believe I am most called to do. Up to this point, since returning from the Middle East, I thought it was to join up or align myself with some other established organization. In general, this has not been the right path. There's been a deep sense of 'not here,' 'not here,' 'keep going.' And yet, I also see the entire non-profit and liberal/progressive field is all about the big organizations. The voice, or something, seems to tell me, this also is not the place I belong. But am I good enough, and do I have enough, to start new things on my own? What does it mean to have support? What does it mean to step out on one's own?

On that subway trip, I got a strong sense that I shouldn't go away to the monastery this summer. I don't know exactly why--I do love the place and have been there twice before. I was looking forward to two weeks of volunteering on the grounds and using the afternoons as a writer's retreat. I think I still need the retreat, but perhaps not there. Call it a premonition. I don't know. Hopefully, it's not just anxiety about being away so long.

There are things to be anxious about: for one, my housing situation is once again precarious. I don't know whether I'll have to move by September, and I need to be studying for my ordination exams in August. Moving again would be costly in many ways. Money is an issue late in summer, before student aid arrives. But perhaps something will work out that I can not yet see. I hope so.