On Celibacy and Partnership

Recently, a dear friend of mine started challenging me on my professed interest in celibacy. For those of you who know me, I stopped dating quite some time ago and have been researching women's monastic orders quite intently since. I have one in particular I love, the Benedictine Women of Madison, but they are a 'stable' order (meaning you never leave, as opposed to a 'missionary' order where you get to travel around a lot)--and I don't think I can remain in rural Madison the rest of my life. Other orders which I love would welcome me as an oblate but not as a full professed sister, since I would choose to remain Presbyterian and be a clergywoman. The women themselves in the orders love this, but tend to get in trouble for such things. So...the search continues.

I have a long list of reasons why I do not want to submit to the paradigm of responsible and/or natural and/or normal womanhood. In fact, I have about 120 pages of reasons and explorations and discussions on why I might think celibacy is a good idea for my life. These range from the kind of high-risk peace work I am in love with doing, to the just kind of lack of interest in general, to systems of domination and oppression with women, to the sheer joy I have when I am in and around monastic orders, which I have never felt anything near when in the company of a prospective life-partner, to solidarity with queer friends who aren't allowed to marry, to the fact that when I get home at the end of the day I don't want to be responsible for anyone else. And getting tired of explaining so carefully what I really cared about in life to potential life partners, who consistently said they were supportive of my calling in life--and then would try to pressure me out of those things, thinking their love was an acceptable substitute. It wasn't. It never was. And I think our world is still designed for women to follow men and not the other way around, and perhaps a few generations from now that will change, but as I look around at all my female friends who do this kind of stuff--not a one has been able to break that pattern. And I confess that in terms of partering and reproductive interest I may have simply been born wired differently, or just wierd. So...when I have maybe 180 pages stored up, I'll find someone to publish it.

I do believe, however, that it is not good for a human to remain alone. If you are going to commit to celibacy, you still need human community, family, and contact. I know that while in the midst of war zones in heavily gender-segregated areas, my skin would start to 'scream' for lack of contact. This wasn't really a sexual thing, but a reassurance thing--I needed hugs and couldn't get them. I needed also reassurance in the face of death that I was very much alive. Also, sexual harassment skyrockets in the face of physical violence when social structures break down, and I needed some sort of restorative human embodiment. It got me asking questions like, Is a body created good of its own accord? or just as an object to be exploited by others? Must people exploit each other's bodies, or is there hope for another way? There's probably a lot more I could write about that, but will do so later. I do think that exploitation happens as a result of isolation and trauma--for example, even human rights workers will try to exploit colleagues for sexual gratification after being in a war zone too long. I was all too aware of that while I was doing field work. Maybe it is true of priests also--that they used to live several priests to a house in community, but now they are so isolated that maybe that's how they get into trouble, that they are not 'pedophiles' in the first place but it goes downhill from there. But I don't really know, I just wonder. So, I do think that you cannot take a vow of celibacy without also a commitment and participation in community. Celibacy, perhaps ironically, is something that you can't go alone.

But, I notice this past month I have been in a state of profound spiritual restlessness. Everything, not just this area of life, is called into question and I'm not sleeping well for the first time in many months. That also is fodder for another long reflection another time. But this area of my life is called into question also. I am honored to know some really wonderful friends right now. Even a few I would consider dating, actually, although it would be a tough road for all the reasons I listed above and more. One other reason is that there are other friends who have expressed interest in a relationship earlier in the year, who would not take 'no' for an answer of itself, and to begin dating anyone might be rather awkward with them. It might require a different level of strength than I am used to asserting, since I usually am most concerned with not breaking or straining relationships if it can be avoided in any way. Still, I already know that I have to find my 'no,' not just to respond to these guys, but to anyone who wants to transgress my boundaries in any area of life.

Is it possible for me, hearing the call to which I feel most called, to still find an appropriate life-partner? One who would be a true partner in the work of peacemaking in the places in the world most in need of peace? Who would not try ultimately to make me choose? Who would accept that I probably still don't want to have my own children? [I do really like the idea of foster-parenting teens who are about to age out of the system, get them into college, etc. For many reasons, that appeals.] But it would, really, have to be a partner in the work, first and foremost. The rest, as they say, is just details.

All of my women heroes are either nuns or otherwise unmarried. Mostly nuns, the women I really want to model my life after. One was married to another peace activist, but was 'amicably divorced' because the calling was so much stronger. I'd rather not put anyone through a divorce, though.

Another friend, who himself is in a long-term relationship, encourages me to go ahead and start the ecumenical monastic women's order that I am seeking after. He assures me it is not too grandiose or insane. I am thinking much about this also.

And finally, one of my greatest heroes, a nun who's over eighty now, told me that even when she knew she was going to be a nun at a given point in life, still dated. I think she said she thought it made her a better person. And it was fun, too.

So many things to ponder...and so much time, really, to ponder them...